I wonder why the font on my last post is a different color than the other ones? I didn't change anything but somehow it changed itself. Odd.
So I went away for the weekend. Which was what I desperately needed to do. I talked for hours with people who understand me better than I sometimes understand myself. I felt understood and loved and accepted. I laughed and I cried and I just was. I didn't worry about what I was wearing or how bad of a hair day I was having. Because I was surrounded by some of the people I love most in the world.
I may or may not have eaten too much. And I most definitely spent way too much money. But today I woke up and I felt like me. I felt like me and I liked it. So I'll forgive myself for eating too much and for spending too much and I'll just be content. And that's a good place to be.
11.30.2009
11.24.2009
Yesterday may have felt a little bit like high school. And not the good parts of high school either (wait, it's been too long, were there good parts in high school?). Remember when you would find out that people were talking about you behind your back or that people were saying things just so that other people wouldn't like you? I totally thought that was something that stopped when you left high school. Bad news-it doesn't. And that is lame.
But as I laid in bed last night thinking about how silly the whole situation was and yet how hurt I still felt, an
old episode of HIMYM came to mind. Honestly, it probably came to mind because of Rachel's awesome post which you can read about here. Basically, a list is developed called the Murtaugh list which spells out all the things that Ted is too old to do. So, in honor of HIMYM and Rachel's own list and my lame situation, I laid in bed and came up with my own list.
I'm too old to pretend to do something that I don't like to do just so I can "fit in".
I'm too old to try to compete for someone's attention.
I'm too old to wear clothes that make me feel uncomfortable.
I'm too old to let other people's opinions about me dictate how I feel about myself.
I'm too old to have acne (oh wait...that's just wishful thinking...and that is totally something I wish would have ended in high school as well!)
I'm way too old to stay up all night and still go to work/school the next day.
I'm old enough to realize that my family and my very best friends are the only people who are truly going to be there for me in the long run.
I'm old enough to realize that the words we use can have a damaging effect on people and we need to be careful about what we say at all times.
I'm old enough to realize that forgiveness is incredibly important. Forgiveness of other people and forgiveness of myself.
I'm old enough to realize that I will never be perfect and that is okay.
I'm old enough to play bingo on Saturday nights because, dang it, it's fun.
I'm old enough to realize that life is short and that sometimes you lose the people that you love way too earlier. So holding on to grudges or being angry just isn't worth it.
And I'm definitely old enough to realize and way too old to care about what other people say about me. I may not be perfect but hey, neither is anyone else. So boo to high school and boo to drama that makes me feel like I'm back in high school.
11.20.2009
For most of my life I have had a rigid set of guidelines for myself (and if I'm being completely honest, for others). Guidelines that dictate what I do in life, how I respond to things, what is acceptable behavior, where I'm going in life. Guidelines that determine whether something is a success or a failure. Guidelines that determine whether I'm a success or failure.
What is that you say? You have no idea what in the world I'm talking about (sadly that is a pretty regular occurence-people having no idea what I'm talking about, that is). Let me provide an example.
At some point in my childhood I decided that while in school, getting A's and B's was completely acceptable. Getting C's, however, was akin to failing. C's were worthless, they signified that I only knew as much as the average student. Except if we are being completely honest, we all know that the average grade isn't really a C...it's probably more like a B- which only strengthens my argument. To get a C would mean that I knew less than the average student. And in my mind, that was not acceptable. So guess what kinds of grades I got in middle school and high school-mostly A's with a couple B's thrown in. Guess what kinds of grades I got in college-mostly B's with a few A's thrown in (don't judge...I played a little bit harder in college than I should have and my grades showed it). Then I picked myself back up for grad school and got mostly A's.
Did I ever get a C, you ask? Sadly, yes. My last semester of my undergraduate work in a History of Philosophy class. It was boring and tedious and I was with a bunch of freshman. In other words, I had zero motivation. But don't worry...that C still wasn't acceptable. I'm pretty sure I told no one about it and convinced myself that it didn't really count. That's how I deal with things. Pretend they don't really count. But that's a whole other story. Back to what I was saying...
I have all these rules that I live my life by. I won't go into them mostly because there are way too many and they are a little too personal for the internet world. And plus I don't really want everyone who reads my blog to know how judgemental I can be of myself.
Anyway, I know a boy. He basically has absolutely no rules for himself. And he's my older brother. We are pretty much exact opposites, except that we are also pretty much the same. Like we are both know-it-alls who "know" that our way is the right way. So I believed that all these rules/guidelines/expectations that I had for myself was the right way. And my brother believed that chilling out and taking life as it comes was the right way. I can't even count how many times my brother has told me to chill out or relax. Probably thousands. Or millions. If I had a penny for every time, I'd be really rich. Which would be awesome. Cause then I wouldn't be in debt anymore. But alas, no pennies.
Okay, on to my main point. The other day my mother told me about an article that she had read that said that swearing actually reduces stress. (Sidenote...not swearing was one of my rules...just so you know). Like if you are driving along and you get in a car accident and you swear, it reduces your stress. At least a little bit. Until you see the bill to fix your car. Then you might have to swear a few more times. I thought long and hard about this one. And the other day I broke down and swore. Just once and for science. Except that I realized that it totally did reduce my stress level. Which made me swallow my pride and realize that maybe my big brother was actually right all along. Maybe I do need to relax just a little bit. So since that first swear word...I've been trying to not get so stressed or disppointed. Especially in myself. And you know what, I like it. It makes life a lot easier to live when there aren't all those damn expectations.
What is that you say? You have no idea what in the world I'm talking about (sadly that is a pretty regular occurence-people having no idea what I'm talking about, that is). Let me provide an example.
At some point in my childhood I decided that while in school, getting A's and B's was completely acceptable. Getting C's, however, was akin to failing. C's were worthless, they signified that I only knew as much as the average student. Except if we are being completely honest, we all know that the average grade isn't really a C...it's probably more like a B- which only strengthens my argument. To get a C would mean that I knew less than the average student. And in my mind, that was not acceptable. So guess what kinds of grades I got in middle school and high school-mostly A's with a couple B's thrown in. Guess what kinds of grades I got in college-mostly B's with a few A's thrown in (don't judge...I played a little bit harder in college than I should have and my grades showed it). Then I picked myself back up for grad school and got mostly A's.
Did I ever get a C, you ask? Sadly, yes. My last semester of my undergraduate work in a History of Philosophy class. It was boring and tedious and I was with a bunch of freshman. In other words, I had zero motivation. But don't worry...that C still wasn't acceptable. I'm pretty sure I told no one about it and convinced myself that it didn't really count. That's how I deal with things. Pretend they don't really count. But that's a whole other story. Back to what I was saying...
I have all these rules that I live my life by. I won't go into them mostly because there are way too many and they are a little too personal for the internet world. And plus I don't really want everyone who reads my blog to know how judgemental I can be of myself.
Anyway, I know a boy. He basically has absolutely no rules for himself. And he's my older brother. We are pretty much exact opposites, except that we are also pretty much the same. Like we are both know-it-alls who "know" that our way is the right way. So I believed that all these rules/guidelines/expectations that I had for myself was the right way. And my brother believed that chilling out and taking life as it comes was the right way. I can't even count how many times my brother has told me to chill out or relax. Probably thousands. Or millions. If I had a penny for every time, I'd be really rich. Which would be awesome. Cause then I wouldn't be in debt anymore. But alas, no pennies.
Okay, on to my main point. The other day my mother told me about an article that she had read that said that swearing actually reduces stress. (Sidenote...not swearing was one of my rules...just so you know). Like if you are driving along and you get in a car accident and you swear, it reduces your stress. At least a little bit. Until you see the bill to fix your car. Then you might have to swear a few more times. I thought long and hard about this one. And the other day I broke down and swore. Just once and for science. Except that I realized that it totally did reduce my stress level. Which made me swallow my pride and realize that maybe my big brother was actually right all along. Maybe I do need to relax just a little bit. So since that first swear word...I've been trying to not get so stressed or disppointed. Especially in myself. And you know what, I like it. It makes life a lot easier to live when there aren't all those damn expectations.
11.10.2009
Yesterday I left my house/trailer at 6:10 am and I got home at 5:00 pm. That's usual for me. And it sucks. So I decided that instead of doing anything, I would sit around and lounge the whole evening. I caught up on the Amazing Race from Sunday. Speaking of which-anyone interested in going on that show with me? I know I hate flying and I get really ornery when I don't have a regular sleep/eating schedule. Still, I think it would be fabulous.
Then I caught up on the HIMYM from last week. Favorite show. Ever. Then I watched half of Biggest Loser but stopped to watch Vampire Diaries with Ang. I'd never seen it before but had been told repeatedly that I needed to watch it, like, now. After I heard that a couple times, I decided to start recording it. Yesterday I watched 4 episodes in a row. That would be all the episodes that had been recorded thus far. I missed all the beginning ones but luckily with CW shows it's pretty easy to catch on to plot lines. I love Stefan. And Boone...oh wait, I mean Damon. And remember how that witch girl's grandma is that girl that used to be on A Different World. It makes me feel really old that she looks so much older. Aging is depressing.
I ended my big night of TV watching by catching the latest episode of Big Bang Theory. That show is my newest favorite. It is hilarious. I even snorted last night while watching it. But don't tell anyone.
I seriously didn't even take a break to make my own dinner, Angie made me mac and cheese which we ate while still watching our show. Then Angie's mom cut us some apples with some butterscotch dip. I think I might have paused the show while her mom came in to give us the apples. It might look like a live a sad and boring life but it was a good night...a night I desperately needed. Now I can get back to reality and my busy non-tv watching schedule.
Then I caught up on the HIMYM from last week. Favorite show. Ever. Then I watched half of Biggest Loser but stopped to watch Vampire Diaries with Ang. I'd never seen it before but had been told repeatedly that I needed to watch it, like, now. After I heard that a couple times, I decided to start recording it. Yesterday I watched 4 episodes in a row. That would be all the episodes that had been recorded thus far. I missed all the beginning ones but luckily with CW shows it's pretty easy to catch on to plot lines. I love Stefan. And Boone...oh wait, I mean Damon. And remember how that witch girl's grandma is that girl that used to be on A Different World. It makes me feel really old that she looks so much older. Aging is depressing.
I ended my big night of TV watching by catching the latest episode of Big Bang Theory. That show is my newest favorite. It is hilarious. I even snorted last night while watching it. But don't tell anyone.
I seriously didn't even take a break to make my own dinner, Angie made me mac and cheese which we ate while still watching our show. Then Angie's mom cut us some apples with some butterscotch dip. I think I might have paused the show while her mom came in to give us the apples. It might look like a live a sad and boring life but it was a good night...a night I desperately needed. Now I can get back to reality and my busy non-tv watching schedule.
11.09.2009
"I always pass on good advice. It's the only thing to do with it. It is never any use to oneself." -Oscar Wilde, An Ideal Husband
When I'm trying to get advice on a matter, I always try to find an expert in the field. Except that I don't know very many experts. And I rarely try to get advice anyway because once I have it, I rarely act on it. But last week I decided to seek some advice. Advice on how to deal with the opposite sex. Because as it turns out, I'm kinda retarded when it comes to dating.
For example, when I like a boy, I find it incredibly difficult to carry on any kind of conversation. But those boys that are completely unavailable somehow turn out to be my best friends. Like I said-I'm no good at the whole dating thing.
I decided who better to ask about boys, then a boy? So I turned to my bff of the male gender and asked what, exactly, guys are looking for. And he informed me that boys have no idea what they want. (Which explains about a million things). The trick is not to be/look/act a certain way. The trick is to convince a boy that you are, in fact, what they want. Good advice. But my question now is-how do you go about convincing a guy of that?
When I'm trying to get advice on a matter, I always try to find an expert in the field. Except that I don't know very many experts. And I rarely try to get advice anyway because once I have it, I rarely act on it. But last week I decided to seek some advice. Advice on how to deal with the opposite sex. Because as it turns out, I'm kinda retarded when it comes to dating.
For example, when I like a boy, I find it incredibly difficult to carry on any kind of conversation. But those boys that are completely unavailable somehow turn out to be my best friends. Like I said-I'm no good at the whole dating thing.
I decided who better to ask about boys, then a boy? So I turned to my bff of the male gender and asked what, exactly, guys are looking for. And he informed me that boys have no idea what they want. (Which explains about a million things). The trick is not to be/look/act a certain way. The trick is to convince a boy that you are, in fact, what they want. Good advice. But my question now is-how do you go about convincing a guy of that?
11.05.2009
"In that one slight motion, I see the end of hope, beginning of destruction of everything I hold dear in the world. I cant guess what form my punishment will take, how wide the net will be cast, but when it is finished there most likely be nothing left.So you would think that at this moment, I would be in utter despair." — Suzanne Collins (Catching Fire)
I finally acquired a copy of Catching Fire and I finished it in a day flat (it helped that I was sick so I was laying in bed with nothing else to do!). I l.o.v.e. this book. Maybe not as much as Hunger Games but more than most books I waste my time reading. And I am officially in love with Peeta. I would marry him. If he was real and not in love with Katniss I mean.
The bad news is now I am lost without a book to immerse myself in. Any suggestions?
I finally acquired a copy of Catching Fire and I finished it in a day flat (it helped that I was sick so I was laying in bed with nothing else to do!). I l.o.v.e. this book. Maybe not as much as Hunger Games but more than most books I waste my time reading. And I am officially in love with Peeta. I would marry him. If he was real and not in love with Katniss I mean.
The bad news is now I am lost without a book to immerse myself in. Any suggestions?
11.04.2009
11.03.2009
"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born."- Anais Nin
Want to know what makes an amazing weekend? Friends visiting from out of town, an awesome Halloween party, and being sick. Oh wait, forget that last one. Being sick over Halloween was not awesome...but having friends in town and dressing up was awesome. And, as promised, I even have pictures to document.
Meet Kristin and Heidi-the bestest friends ever because they came all the way from American Fork to visit me. And ps...Heidi was dressed up as "blackmail"-she wore all black and had a piece of mail attached to her. A-ma-zing.
And do you like my curly hair? I decided a fairy needed curly hair so I walked around all day with those little pink foam curlers in my hair. I felt like a little kid again.
Meet Stacey. She dressed up as Alice in Wonderland. And she looked adorable. Her hair is naturally curly and it took me like an hour to straighten it. And it took me hours to get my hair as curly as hers normally is.
Meet Ronald McDonald...oh wait, I mean Jared. He was creepy. Who knew that Ronald could be so creepy? And the best part...he had a dance off with a guy dressed up as a ninja. I laughed so hard that I coughed for a good 5 minutes afterwards.
Meet Tina and Andrea. Tina looked creepy (she dressed up as her boyfriend and he dressed up as her...you'll see his costume in just a second). Andrea just looked cute as usual. 
Meet Shane, Tina's boyfriend. Also know as my best friend for life. He was obsessed with the fact that he was wearing girl clothes. And he tried to lick my face. I'm scared.
And then here in all of our glory is the Blanding gang. You might recognize Angie's bat costume as the costume I made last year for Halloween. It still looked pretty much amazing. So there you have it, Halloween in Blanding in a nutshell. Don't you want to come visit now?
Want to know what makes an amazing weekend? Friends visiting from out of town, an awesome Halloween party, and being sick. Oh wait, forget that last one. Being sick over Halloween was not awesome...but having friends in town and dressing up was awesome. And, as promised, I even have pictures to document.
Meet Kristin and Heidi-the bestest friends ever because they came all the way from American Fork to visit me. And ps...Heidi was dressed up as "blackmail"-she wore all black and had a piece of mail attached to her. A-ma-zing.And do you like my curly hair? I decided a fairy needed curly hair so I walked around all day with those little pink foam curlers in my hair. I felt like a little kid again.Meet Stacey. She dressed up as Alice in Wonderland. And she looked adorable. Her hair is naturally curly and it took me like an hour to straighten it. And it took me hours to get my hair as curly as hers normally is.Meet Ronald McDonald...oh wait, I mean Jared. He was creepy. Who knew that Ronald could be so creepy? And the best part...he had a dance off with a guy dressed up as a ninja. I laughed so hard that I coughed for a good 5 minutes afterwards.Meet Tina and Andrea. Tina looked creepy (she dressed up as her boyfriend and he dressed up as her...you'll see his costume in just a second). Andrea just looked cute as usual. Meet Shane, Tina's boyfriend. Also know as my best friend for life. He was obsessed with the fact that he was wearing girl clothes. And he tried to lick my face. I'm scared.And then here in all of our glory is the Blanding gang. You might recognize Angie's bat costume as the costume I made last year for Halloween. It still looked pretty much amazing. So there you have it, Halloween in Blanding in a nutshell. Don't you want to come visit now?
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