Do you ever stop missing someone who has left you?
It's been over 15 years. Fifteen years since I said goodbye and I still think of Clayton every single day.
Some days I still want to stay in bed and cry. Cry because the thought of him being gone forever still hurts. Cry because I can't remember the sound of his laugh or voice. Cry because now I can't remember if I really remember him.
Some days I smile when I think of him. Smile because I know that he must be happier where he is now. Smile because of the knowledge that I have that we will be together again one day. Smile because even though I miss him, I still had the chance to know him.
I wonder what he would look like. I wonder what he would have made of himself. And perhaps selfishly, I wonder what my life would have been like if he hadn't left.
He was my brother, the goofy little boy that made everyone smile with his mischevious grin. The one who snuck dead moles into the house in his lunchbox. Who collected acorns outside of the church. Who carried around his toy boxer everywhere he went. The one who snuck out of the bathroom window so he could explore the world.
I'm guessing the missing never stops just like the loving never does either.
5 comments:
And now you've made me cry. I love the line "cry because now I can't remember if I really remember him"
I wonder if I spent a day now with my Dad if I would be surpirsed by how different he is than my "memory" of him.
I remember Clayton loving animals. I remember the hard plastic boxer. Wasn't he buried with it? I remember how adorable he was and cute and happy.
I don't think the longing for what once was will ever stop. The longing for our other life, the one where we were all together and the moments of happiness were often. Maybe this is why, as a young mother I feel such a sense of urgency wanting to create all the family memories, traditions, and special times that I can. Simply because I know how quickly they could be lost.
Now I think I might go put on my Dad's shirt and crawl into bed.
What a beautiful post! I think your last sentence is absolutely true...both the missing & loving never stop! I'm so glad you have such funny memories of Clayton- he was quite the trouble-maker wasn't he? :-) I just loved his super straight hair with bangs that sometimes fell in his eyes.
I wish I could grab you & hug you right now...let's just pretend ok?? Love you!
Well now you guys made me cry. I'm glad that I still have both of you in my life with your memories of him to add to my own. I love you both.
I cried too!
I don't think you ever stop missing the people we love. That's what makes death so painful. Even with the knowledge of eternal life it's still painful. We don't want to wait 75 years to see those people.
I know it's not the same as a sibling or dad but I cry every time I think of Grandpa that has passed on.
He loved me in a way nobody else in my life ever has. I miss that love.
Ok. The tears are here.
Love this post. I wish I could have met sweet Clayton.
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